A reading from the letter to the Church of the MAGAites from the Apostle Tolar*

Dear MAGAites,

I hope this letter finds you uncomfortable. I think about you a lot. Shall I compare thee to an SS raid or an ISIS beheading because you’re sure as fuck not a summer’s day. I always wonder how you and your Chester Cheetah Messiah can love your country, but so easily hate thy neighbor. A hate, I might add, that isn’t new. It’s a recycled rage that has replaced swastikas and clan robes with awful screen printed t-shirts and red hats. Is this a hate that you’ve picked up from mom and dad? The weird uncle you only see at Christmas? (You know the one that wears the sweatshirt with the wolf on it) Did you get from your pastor? Or maybe you got it from the secret sex cult that is Fox News.

There are so many questions and not enough country music to answer them all. Like - Why are you so afraid of better healthcare for all? The heavens know we could all use it. Some of you own more guns than you have teeth. Keep in mind that better healthcare can help you get the dazzling smile that you’ve helped that TV preacher get for himself. But, it can also help those of us who are shot in schools, spiritual gatherings, or any place where we seek community. Well… it won’t help all of us because some of us die, you remorseless cunts.

We’re just out here seeking a better human experience and that seems to piss you off the most. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, right? Unless you’re a person of color, gay, non-Christian (and sometimes even being a Christian can get tricky), and/or you’re the owner of a womb.

What if we only got one shot at this thing? Wouldn’t you want to kick as much ass as you could? So, why are you trying so hard to shit all over the human experience of your fellow citizens? Who didn’t hug you enough? Who turned you down for the prom? We all got invited to the party on this space rock and we’re just trying to figure it out together. No one is treading on you, sweetie. You may not like all of the attendees, but I have a radical idea - If you don’t like someone, just leave them be. Ignore them. It’s that easy. It works on my mother.

Let this message be known everywhere that you might believe and obey- Be. Fucking. Cool.

So let it be done.

xoxo

The Apostle Tolar

*translated from the original Greek manuscript